Romance in the AIR - Expectations and Then there is Reality

 I read somewhere an observation of parallels of Harry and his mother - of how they both appeared to become bored after they no longer had their official duties.  And how they seemed adrift as to what to do next with themself.

I started thinking then of how Diana (probably) had certain expectations of what love, marriage would be (maybe he loves me, only me and not her, happy ever after and who knows but perhaps that marriage is all sweetness, light, happy and joy like in a romance novel) ... which leads to expectations of what marriage might have been for Harry's wife.  Or even Harry.

Oh boy. 

I don't recall marriage comments but do remember how he talked and wrote about how he wanted for his kids to be able to grow up with their cousins, second cousins in what sounds like how he grew up playing with family, doing the annual this and that with family (minus his parents not getting along).  A vestige of his childhood he wanted to repeat, pass on as important to his kids.  

So ... what marriage appears to be is an unknown except possible what might or might not have been said to his past girlfriends or the woman he married.  Nor any idea of what his mother had said, either directly or implied, about marriage in general to him.  What is interesting is that, allegedly, he and his brother were sorta kinda tolerant with the idea of Camilla being around but not married to their father.  Besides his book, I don't remember other sources but they could be out there.

And, Diana was able to work a really nice settlement post divorce from Charles.  One, that I remember reading somewhere, that his mother, The Queen, had to fund as he did not have sufficient capital to pay off immediately.   Andrew's wife did not fare as well but one might come to the conclusion that getting divorced from a (senior) BRF member is not a big deal, the women walk away with lots of money and retain some status/stay in the public eye.  Their life goes on with parties, pictures in the magazines and so on.

Knowing that he was handled well (closely) by the palace plus young, he probably was not the most informed  resource of how that all played out with the adults or court protocol for dress (other than his uniform, medals), rules other than be behind higher ranking people and other specific details about his family and how they function.  We know he didn't have a good sense of how the money worked as he really got upset when his father tried to explain that things would change once he became king, William would get the Duchy money and Harry would no longer have any right to a cent of it.  We don't know if any similar conversations with his father were attempted.  Truth be told, many families do not talk about money with their kids.  Or talk about how to save, make good investment decisions or plan for expenses.  At any rate, it was a rude awakening.

Her - well we have some information that she didn't feel a need to tap into the various helpful people offered to answer questions or adjust to a new and very different life with very different rules and how to avoid mistakes with  many people watching/ commenting when a mistake was made.  Nah, she had him as a resource allegedly.

She definitely had way more experience at long term intimate relationships that Diana didn't before either married in.  

What she didn't have, but Diana did, was the knowledge of the UK, primogeniture, British history, an existing relationship with the Royal family and general knowledge of how things worked within the family.  Both women pushed back at help adjusting.  I can remember reading of someone's career left in tatters as they were to help educate Diana about some things she didn't know and pretty much refused.

I suspect a larger factor (for greater adjustment) was Diana also knew the rank of the person she was marrying as how it would impact her.  And who she was not getting married to.  But mainly how marriage would impact her future.  That part, I think, she went in with her eyes open.

So ... I think that when I think about why Harry's wife had difficulties.  If you didn't grow up seeing various members of the BRF ribbon cutting, invitations to one of the garden parties, tours overseas as an endless meet and greets (grind or not) but perhaps you did see the Crown Jewels (flashy and well protected), the various mentions in more PR based magazines then you miss the fundamental reason why they were doing all this (not reported in various USA PR magazines) in the first place  - as Service to Her Majesty.  

If you grow up being told, as many are in the US, that you can become anything you want to be, then you aren't going to understand primogeniture.  You might think that stupid at best and clearly outdated and more at worst (not female equality).  And that it isn't something one can change because you don't like it or it isn't in your understanding of how other parts of the world work.  To even know about it, as much of British royal and court history is not part of the American revolution, culture, you would have to make an effort to learn what it was all about.  (basically you have to get past Henry VIII having the authority to order heads off as the monarchy does what it wants to, the jewelry, fancy dress balls and get into the nitty gritty of how the UK political scene has evolved since Queen Victoria and before her).

And the US is kind of funny about rank.  Ranks of grades is one thing you hear and hear about as a kid but most are not exposed to rank as status until they start into their first real job and they see who gets what in their office compared to someone else based on specific job title.  We don't have family status titles like Duke, Duchess.  The closest might be titles of elected officials (which can change the next election so temporary) or the C titles of a corporation if you have that kind of job.  I don't recall that she had a lot of corporate type jobs so that would be another type of exposure she didn't get which might have helped her understand rank within the family she was about to marry into.  And, how she fit into it.  There could be some flexibility within the family but the adjusting would always be mainly by the one entering it.    

You need more than just the movie 84 Charing Cross Road to learn about rationing post war or visiting the crown jewels in the museum once to learn about what their meaning and role in the history/future of the country.  

However, if you did grow up reading and seeing Diana in the same magazines as this movie star at an opening, that pr story of rock star on the road as one of Diana at this party, that event, socializing with this pop star, that concert, fancy fancy dresses, you might think of that British royal life is about being famous, parties and not as primarily in service to the Queen.   And, Diana did drop her patronages and the world did not stop turning.  One might then remember that and think that (for someone at that status level) you can be famous, life is lots of parties, concerts, meeting famous people, ie do the parts of royal life that you like and toss out the rest and  ...  it doesn't matter in the end if you leave.  You still wind up with all the fun stuff you had with them  before you left.  And, if you've been very successful at getting what you wanted in life, there would not be a lot of reason to think that this new life could or would be any different than the past experiences for getting what you want.

Learning/adjusting to a new life in a different country than you grew up in (ie a new culture) is a big deal.  It has different rules - from grammar to etiquette, different slang or meanings even if it is technically the same words and sentence structure.  All of that before you add in marrying into the BRF. Even those who grew up "local" to the BRF culture still had some adjustment to the new way of life in addition to adjusting to marriage.  

Romantic expectations not living up to the reality.  A lot of marriages everywhere flounder on that.  Same is true about money.  Reality can be a rough adjustment.